I fell asleep at 3 AM to, once again, wake up after little sleep - at 9 AM after not even 6 hours. I was just overly active that night (in a non-sexual way!) and, honestly, I didn't waste any of my energy. I talked with my friend about issues relating to gender identity and romantic attraction, and Jungian typology, and we both supported each other. A time I didn't want to let go of since it was incredibly productive. I realized that... well.
It is resonant to identify myself as gender queer, while not explicitly stating that I am a woman. It's just something I'm closer to compared to being a man.
Finally, with this kind of understanding and perception of myself, I feel more at ease presenting my more innate - warm, caretaking - character, realizing that I actually like men, too. It was not a fad and never was.
Other than this so spiritually helpful realization, this day has been incredibly bizarre for late June. So far this year has been cold, and there were only a couple of days - including both May and June - that genuinely felt hot. It's like nature is playing a joke on us all, collectively, convincing the climate change deniers that they're right. Just after the right and far-right had a surge in recent years. Just now. Exactly now came such a cold year. Good (or bad?) riddance.
However, for the upcoming month I want to be properly organized again, since this month was a mixture of apathy and laziness, and arguably also some kind of inner restlessness. I definitely want to return here, and certainly I want to follow some kind of task list connected with a consistent sleeping schedule. I feel like I might be missing out on something and honestly I have not had enough control over myself. Too much algorithm, too little cosmic2184. It's time to change.
And no, I don't want that boring-ass discipline-based routined way of living because, at this point in time, I feel more in tune with my intuitive energy as an INFJ. If I want to do something, it's not because I want to check it off my to-do list, but because it's somehow meaningful from a long-term perspective. No, it can't be about that one task and one task only. It all has to flow into something more holistic, meaningful in a way that's hard to describe verbally, but which has its psychological weight impacting my own well-being. Like gravity - can't be seen, but can be felt. In this way I want my actions to be full of gravity and enriched by it.
And, once again, I feel like I can love again, which makes me feel so much more in tune with myself and the world. On a deep, physiological level, right now I feel so relaxed, having this kind of gender non-conforming perception of myself. And no, it's not about rejecting masculine expectations - it's actually about being literally more feminine than masculine. A spiritual re-realization that me identifying as trans back in the day might have not been a fad at all. Why would I even gravitate towards such topics in the first place, if they didn't feel so resonant with my experience anyway? It wasn't intellectual curiosity at all... it was something I related to. How obvious it all was, and yet it still took so much time for me to realize that I don't feel well if I see myself as a man.
I wish this kind of inner happiness or fulfillment comes to further shape my next times. There's so much resonance within me as I'm typing this right now that it makes inquisitions about the meaning of life kind of pointless. Since, well, this moment right now is the meaning. I don't know why I should not be authentic, since my time on this Earth is limited, and it feels horrible to consistently act against my spirit in a way that actually damages it. No, seeing myself as closer to a woman than a man is somehow... enrichening, and I can't explain it, other than feel it. And signal through words here that I feel this way.
How wonderful I have this intimate place here where I can just express myself, and leave a mark on this fresh webpage I'm trying to build up right now. The more content I put out here... the more this place is like me. A repository of deeply meaningful content that is one of my ways to mark my existence.
I will return here and keep this personal, virtual diary close to my heart.
Moreover, I really liked reading this article about my psychological type. It just makes so much sense. How come I ever viewed myself as an INTJ? https://typevolution.com/2017/05/25/infj-iei-description/